


The Wayne Family Annual Beach Trip

by onlydance



Series: onlydance's DCU works [1]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Batfamily (DCU), Batfamily Shenanigans (DCU), Bruce Wayne is a Good Parent, Crack, Damian Wayne is a traffic hazard, Dick Grayson is not and never was a cop and he also cannot drive because he is bisexual, Duke Thomas gets car sick, Family Shenanigans, Fluff, Jason Todd owns an iPhone 3, Jason Todd still plays Flappy Bird, Rated teen for potty mouth, Siblings, he just has too many kids, no one dies, they go on a beach trip, you've heard of there's only one bed but have you heard of there's only one car
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-15 06:40:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29804442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onlydance/pseuds/onlydance
Summary: The Waynes (and Stephanie) go to see the beautiful Jersey beaches.The only problem is, they have to actually get there first." He stood still in front of  a black SUV, the largest car he owned. Dick Grayson, a large bag slung over his one arm and Ace’s leash in the other, looked between the car, Ace sitting patiently next to him and his siblings behind him. He gave Bruce a sceptic look.“We’ll fit,” Bruce said, more like he was trying to reassure himself, rather than his son. “We’ll fit.” "
Relationships: Batfamily Members & Bruce Wayne
Series: onlydance's DCU works [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2190798
Comments: 7
Kudos: 150





	The Wayne Family Annual Beach Trip

**Author's Note:**

> I made [this](https://batarangsoundsdumb.tumblr.com/post/644401815879909376/the-batfam-feels-like-a-family-that-travels-in-one) post on tumblr and then thought 'if nobody's going to write it i'll just have to do it'
> 
> This is just straight up Crack and probably illegal, but this universe's bruce dropped out of law school and Dick Grayson isn't a cop.
> 
> Enjoy!

Bruce Wayne did not own a van. 

He legally owned fourteen cars in the state of New Jersey, none of them vans. He also legally had 5 children, if you did not count Jason, because he was legally dead.

In all of his life (and a reasonable amount of time he’d spent being dead, in a different universe, or in a different time), Bruce Wayne had never regretted not owning a van more.

He stood still in front of a black SUV, the largest car he owned. Dick Grayson, a large bag slung over his one arm and Ace’s leash in the other, looked between the car, Ace sitting patiently next to him and his siblings behind him. He gave Bruce a sceptic look.

“We’ll fit,” Bruce said, more like he was trying to reassure himself, rather than his son. “We’ll fit.”

Bruce opened the trunk, looking at the wide space and back to the gaggle of kids waiting for him. “Who wants to go in the back?”

Tim raised his hand, pulling Stephanie’s hand up with him. “The back is aweso-” he whispered to his friend, but noticed Jason was already shoving past him to go in the back. He kicked out his foot to make Jason trip and made a run for it.

“Dibs!” he yelled out, just to make it official that the back was  _ his _ spot, and also Stephanie’s by extension.

“Fuck that,” Jason straightened himself and jumped over a thin layer of beach supplies on the ground in front of the car, laying his hand on the interior of the boot. “I got here first,”

Bruce looked between the two, Jason panting, sitting in the back of the car and Tim and Stephanie shaking their head. “I’m sure you’ll all fit,” he looked inside for good measure and shrugged. 

Jason frowned. “No- I got here first- it’s my spot,” 

Tim pulled Jason’s leg off the back of the car to raise himself into the trunk, he sat down against the back of the backseats and patted the spot next to him, as if he was inviting his older brother to sit there. 

The older brother in question shook his head and pulled at both of Tim’s legs, standing up and dragging his brother from the car. Tim screeched. “You’re gonna drop me-” Jason did in fact drop Tim, letting him drop on top of the bag full of beach towels with a soft tud. 

“Did you see what he did? B, did you see what he did?” 

Bruce closed his eyes for a second. “What if Jason sits in the back-” Tim cried out in outrage. “- Let me finish,” he held up his hand. “Jason can sit in the back,  _ with  _ all of the bags, and then you and Stephanie can sit in the back on the way home,”

“No fair!” Jason yelled. “There’s less bags on the way back,” he argued, on account of the three bags filled to the brim with food.

“But more people,” Tim pointed out, seemingly pleased with his older brother’s discomfort.

Jason grunted but took a seat nonetheless, making angry comments as each of his siblings placed their bag with him. “- fuck’s sake, demon spawn, you didn’t have to bring  _ all _ of your torture devices,” 

“We said no weapons, Damian,” Bruce warned, giving the bag a once over. “False alarm,” he said as Damian was probably thinking about gutting Jason six ways with one of Ace’s squeaky toys. “It’s just the barbecue,”

Jason blinked. “You brought a barbecue?”

Dick laughed from the other side of the car. “Of course he brought a barbecue,” he shook his head. “He’s a middle aged dad, what did you expect?”

Tim and Stephanie climbed into the car, Stephanie leaning forward across the middle seat to turn on the AC. Damian shook his head at them and grabbed Ace from Dick, pulling the dog with him to the other side of the car so he could jump in the front seat. 

Bruce closed the trunk, enclosing Jason in a sea of bags. Cass waved at him through the little window, Jason begrudgingly waved back. She climbed in next to Steph.

From the other side of the garage Alfred and Duke were carrying one giant tupperware box full of smaller tupperware boxes full of food between them. “Guys!” Duke yelled out, almost dropping his side as he sped up. “You  _ know _ I get car sick,” 

Bruce looked up from where he was standing, seemingly doing math trying to see how his family and Stephanie would fit. He finally noticed how Damian had grabbed the shotgun seat. 

“Damian,” he warned. “You know the rule,” The rule in question was ‘ _ oldest gets shotgun’ _ superimposed by Dick after Jason was adopted. 

Dick smugly opened the door for Damian, who rolled his eyes and got out. Just as he was about to sit down, Jason, who was sitting so that his head just peaked out behind the headrests of the back row screamed “Alfred’s the oldest,” he laughed like a maniacal villain.

He stepped back out of the car and held the door open for Alfred, giving him a little bow. The oldest son pointedly looked at the backseat, where Tim, Stephanie and Cass were already sitting, Damian glared at him from the opposite side, faced with the same problem. 

“We won’t fit,” Duke pointed out. Bruce looked at the people in the backseat and at the ceiling for a second. 

“Just scooch, or sit in someone’s lap,” Bruce offered as a solution, just as Tim, Stephanie and Cass were unbuckling their seatbelts. 

“Father,” Damian said, his voice low. “I shall not,” 

Tim stifled a laugh at the word choice, repeating it to Steph in a mocking whisper. 

Dick planted himself in the seat that had freed up because of Tim, Steph and Cass moving.

Duke stuck his head inside the car. “Can I please have the middle seat?”

Stephanie pushed Tim up and planted him on top of her and Cass, the three of them now occupying a single seat. She dug behind her to find the seatbelt and handed it to Tim, who handed it to Cass, who buckled it in with a very small click. 

Dick kicked his legs out the car so that Duke could pass, letting him have the middle seat. 

Damian stood outside the car with Ace, his arms crossed and a gigantic scowl on his face. “Come on, Dami, we’re waiting on you,”

He took a long, deep breath and motioned for Ace to enter the car, the German shepherd happily settling in the last bit of legroom that was available to Dick, forcing him to raise his legs and rest them by Duke’s spot. 

Damian sat down on his brother’s lap sideways so he could properly glare at everyone in the car. He spread his legs out across Duke’s lap. Dick smiled and reached for the seatbelt.

“Isn’t this highly illegal?” Duke asked, as one of the 6 people in the backseat.

Bruce shrugged, pulling out of the parking spot. “As long as you wear your seatbelt the cops won’t say anything,”

“Don’t listen to a man who didn’t finish his law degree!” Jason yelled from the backseat.

As they pulled up on the road, and everybody and everything in the car moved to the right, Tim’s head hit against the grab handle. Damian let out a laugh, so Cass pinched him in the arm.

For a whole moment the car was quiet, calm even. Bruce was driving, Alfred was fussing over the radio, Jason was in the back playing flappy bird on his ancient iPhone 3, Duke was desperately trying to focus on the horizon and Stephanie was making fun of Bruce. 

Then Dick said in a low, low voice “Jason,”

“Yes, brother dear,” came the reply.

“Are you actually kicking my seat right now?” Dick tried to turn around to look at him, but couldn’t because of Damian.

“Yes, brother dear.” 

“Well it’s not fucking funny, you Deadpool knockoff,” Dick pointed out. “Cut it out,”

Dick felt an even harder kick against his seat. “I’m nothing like Deadpool,” Jason said.

“Yes you are,” Dick argued. “Wears red, check. Once presumed dead, check-” he listed off on his fingers.

“Boys,” Bruce halfheartedly warned. “Be nice,”

Dick rolled his eyes. “And- Oh. Ugly dumbass, check.” 

Jason scrambled to get up in the backseat. “You take that fucking back,” He reached across the backseat to grab Dick by the neck, but Damian stopped him. 

“Boys,” Bruce repeated, a bit more urgently. “Behave,”

With a sudden movement, Damian stood up, kneeling Dick in the balls in the process. As he keeled over, Damian broke free from the seat belt and bent over the backseat, half his body in the back of the car, his legs still hanging out the other side. 

“Master Damian!” Alfred exclaimed with an air of shock. “We are  _ driving _ ,”

“Yes, Damian,” Tim repeated in a mocking tone. “We are  _ driving _ ,”

“Shut up, Drake.” Damian said, pushing himself further into the back with Jason. 

Stephanie pulled Tim’s head down a little to whisper in his ear. “5 bucks say they kill each other before we even arrive,”

Tim shook his head. “I wouldn’t want to lose money,” he whispered back.

“He- I-” Dick sputtered. “It wasn’t me,”

“It’s never you, college boy,” Jason spat from the backseat. 

“Boys,” Bruce warned again.

Alfred wordlessly handed juice boxes to Tim, who handed them out to the others. Duke had a hand in front of his mouth, looking like he was on the verge of puking. They hadn’t even made it on the interstate yet. He threw two juice boxes into the back for Jason and Damian, not bothering to see where they’d landed. 

“Thanks, Alfie,” Dick murmured. 

Bruce let out a long deep sigh. “You really have to get your driver’s licence someday, Dick,”

Steph barked out a laugh. “You don’t have a driver’s licence?”

“I don’t,” Cass pointed out, signing along with her words and Steph immediately stopped laughing. 

Dick finished the last of his juicebox, the air rattling through the plastic straw. “It was a conscious choice, okay, Stephanie.”

“He failed it 5 times,” Tim explained. “Mostly because of speeding,”

“Only because  _ he _ ,” Dick pointed his juicebox at the back of Bruce’s seat. “Taught me in the Batmobile. Who would follow traffic rules in the Batmobile?”

Cass raised her hand. “I do,” 

“That’s because you are an angel and too good for this world,” Stephanie assured her. 

Duke looked at the ceiling of the car in agony. “Didn’t you want to become a cop?”

  
“Like 5 years ago, I’m a grown adult now, Ducas, I voted for the city council elections,”

“So did I,” The teen groaned. “Does anybody have a puke bag?” 

Alfred handed over a brown paper bag. “Did you not take your pill?” Bruce asked. Duke shook his head and immediately regretted the motion. 

“You should look at the horizon,” Tim said.

Duke whipped his head around to glare at him. “What do you think I’m doing?” 

Tim raised his hands in the air. “Just trying to help.”

In the driver’s seat, Bruce visibly shook his head. “I genuinely can’t believe I’m doing this,” he muttered to no one in particular, finally merging onto the interstate. In complete silence, Alfred held up a juice box for him, Bruce took a quick sip.

“Well, you better believe it, buddy,” Stephanie said happily. “it’s the Wayne family annual beach trip,”

“Annual?” Duke asked, while Bruce said “Wayne family?” The man fiddled with the control of the radio, but Alfred swatted his hand away, apparently happy with the choice of George Michael on the radio. “Did someone adopt Stephanie?” 

Nobody said anything and Bruce looked around the car. He raised a hand to his own chest. “Did  _ I  _ adopt Stephanie?” He looked very confused for a second.    
  


Both Steph and Tim broke out in laughter, while Dick was just able to hold it, raising his hand to his mouth. Bruce huffed. “Not funny,”

Alfred turned up the radio as the saxophone played on ‘Careless Whisper’. “It was a little funny,” the butler said.

“You’re fired,” 

The older man shrugged. “I will sell those nice pictures of you to the Gazette,” Bruce’s eyes widened. “You know the ones with the blue ha-”

“You’re rehired,” the billionaire said quickly

“I don’t think you can afford me,” Alfred said. 

Dick held up his hand to high five his pseudo grandfather. “Good one, Alfie,” Alfred stared at the limb hanging in the air and reluctantly high-fived it. The young man let out a cheer. 

Cass and Steph (mostly Steph) launched into a dramatic retelling of their patrol the night before, finding themselves at a college party and driving home a group of drunk teenagers. Tim glared at them. “You guys didn’t drive,” he pointed at himself. “I did, you called at 4 in the morning because you crashed a college party, I had to wait outside for 20 minutes until you two came out,”

“I don’t like that tone from you, young man,” Steph joked. 

  
“I’m  _ four _ months younger,” He held up three fingers for emphasis and then realised he was holding up the wrong number of fingers. 

Cass freed one hand from behind Tim’s back and pointedly signed ‘ _ You Sit On Lap’ _

“Screw you,” Tim replied.

His older sister (by only a year or so, and he’s taller than her, so take that Cass) gave him a universally recognisable sign and smiled sweetly while doing it. “Cassandra,” Bruce said, making eye contact in the mirror. “Don’t flip your brother the bird,” 

“And Tim,” Bruce sighed. “Watch your language,”

Tim sputtered. “ _ He  _ swore like 5 minutes ago,” He pointed at Dick. Steph rolled her eyes at Cass, Cass eagerly returned the expression.

“Dick is 23 and an adult, you are 17 and under my care, there’s a difference,”

Dick grinned and then debunked Bruce’s entire point by asking Alfred for another juicebox. 

“I’m in college,” Tim argued. 

“You’re taking college  _ classes _ ,” Bruce corrected. “but there’s no high school degree on my wall and  _ I’m  _ the one who calls your dentist,”

Tim crossed his arms. “I called the hairdresser myself,” 

“When was that?” Dick asked jokingly. “5 years ago?”

“You have a mullet,” Tim replied, which was a very good argument.

Dick reached for the patch of hair curling in his neck. “They’re back in fashion,” 

“You look like you’re a lesbian farmer with a TikTok account,”

The eldest son in the family shrugged. “I see that as a compliment,”

Cass signed **_‘You_** _Have TikTok_ ’ she used the sign for clock rather than spelling the term out, but it got the point across. As she signed, she mouthed along the words, but didn’t vocalise them.

“I told you not to tell anyone,” Tim hissed. 

Dick beamed. “Are you serious? Cass, please tell me that you’re serious,” She shrugged by way of reply, Stephanie snorted at Tim’s misery.

“No,” Cass said out loud, a grin on her face. “I’m Cass,” 

Her older brother clutched a hand to his heart. “I’m so proud of you, right now,”

“but,” Cass started. ‘ _ He Does Have TikTok _ ’ she finished in sign, poking Tim in the shoulder when referring to him. 

Dick fished his phone from his pocket. “What’s the username?” he asked. Neither Cass nor Stephanie and especially not Tim answered his question. “Come on, guys, I’ll even show you some of my tiktoks,”

Tim sighed. “We’ve  _ all _ seen your videos, Dick. You were Buzzfeed’s no. 1 thirst trap of the month, you hung a copy of the article on your door, we’ve been over this,”

“I’ll send you the video of Bruce falling asleep on the stairs,” 

“You drive a hard bargain.” he mulled it over in his head. “but no, fuck that.”

Dick shook his head sadly. “Bruce,” he asked, almost pouting. “How much further? I don’t think I can handle this betrayal any longer,”

“GPS says just under 30 minutes,” Bruce read from the screen embedded in the car.    
  
A collective wave of groans came from everyone in the backseat. Bruce started laughing, but abruptly stopped. “What are Jason and Damian doing?” He straightened up in his seat trying to peek into the back through the mirror. “They’re too quiet,”

Like a spell came over them, Dick, Tim, Steph, Cass, and even Duke looked to see what was happening in the back. Ace the Dog chose this moment to stand up and stretch himself out over Duke’s lap. Duke slapped a hand to his mouth feeling like he was about to puke any moment. 

Damian and Jason sat side to side hunched over Jason’s iPhone 3 as Damian seemed to be playing Flappy Bird, and impressively well, judging by Jason’s face. Jason looked up. “What the fuck are you looking at?” 

They turned back around at record speed. Ace planted himself across both Dick and Duke’s laps, lying his 70 pound body on top of them. Dick pet the dog, but Duke didn’t dare touch him. “I think I’m actually going to throw up,” He whispered.

“Jason and Damian are fine,” Dick faithfully told his adoptive father.

Bruce let out a breath. “Small mercies,” He told himself. 

A small beep came from the car stereo, the radio cut out and an automated GPS voice started speaking. “Traffic Emergency coming up in 2 miles, recalibrating route,” For a second they all held their breath. “Fastest route; one hour and two minutes,”

“Shit,” Bruce swore.

Duke gripped his paper bag tight and threw up.

“Best family trip ever!” Stephanie yelled out.

  
  



End file.
